tiada penghujung...

hidup bagai di dlm sangkar
zahirnya bahagia
walau batin terseksa
cintaku padanya
terus-terusan mekar
terbiar di dlm taman hati ini

sering ku teringat saat saat aku bersamanya
31 Januari 2005
tarikh yg tak akan ku lupa
hari dia
hanya milik aku sepenuhnya

cintaku tak pernah padam
kasihku tak pernah lekang
tak terungkap dengan kata
hanya air mata yg mengalir
menjadi tanda
aku masih
menyinta

rindu
aku pun terus merindu
mata bunga melorku yang satu..
kerana sudah takdirnya begitu!

mengapa..

wahai sang permaisuri yg ku puja
mengapa harus kau buai cintaku dulu
jika kau tak punya walau sekelumit rasa
terhadapku...

mengapa?????

.....apa salah ku padamu wahai sang permaisuri......

katakan...

mengapa lafaz cintamu dulu
sekadar untuk menyenangi hatiku
sedangkan aku
tidak pernah memaksa dirimu

katakan...

mengapa kau ciptakan ilusi
sekadar untuk membahagiakan diriku
sedangkan aku
cukup bahagia sebagai kawanmu

katakan..

MENGAPA???

rindu.....mati.....terbakar...

api rindu ku terus membara
marak membakar di dalam jiwa
dipadam tak dapat
dipujuk tak guna
siang dan malam aku terus terseksa

merana...

bahang api rinduku tidak pernah kurang
bahkan hangatnya terus terasa
dalam tertawa
aku menangis
dalam gembira
aku duka

dalam hidup

aku sebenarnya sudah mati

terbakar...

Sayu di hati..

petang ini...
ku lihat mega hitam berarak..
menyelubungi alam..
tanda datangnya malam..
menggelapkan suasana..

bila ku renung langit yg kian gelap itu
teringat ku pada satu nama
nama yg masih lagi terpahat
di lubuk hati ini

nama itu..
tidak pernah terhakis dr sanubari..
sentiasa diingati..
sentiasa dikenangi..
biar hari demi hari..
silih berganti..
nama itu masih tetap dipuja...
dan diratapi..

laungan sekeping hati..
dalam nyaringnya..
....senyap..
meneriakkan rindu..
yang tidak terucap...
melafazkan cinta..
yang tidak berbalas...

sakit tiada terperi...
sudah cuba ku pujuk...
sudah cuba ku benci...
namun nama itu..
tetap bertakhta di hati..

tak mengapa...
tiada gunanya aku menafikan..
apa yg aku rasa...
biarlah sakit...
biarlah merana..
namun..
akan terus ku curahkan cinta kepada nama itu..
selagi aku masih menyayanginya...
kerana saat ini..
hati ini masih tetap..
dan tidak berubah..
untuk terus menyintai..
nama itu..
yang sepatutnya...
sudah tiada lagi..

ku kembali mendongak ke langit..

eh!!!!

tiada lagi mega hitam..
yg tinggal..
cuma lapangnya sebidang langit..
dan pekatnya sebuah malam..
dihiasi bintang bintang..
yang berkerdipan..

dan bintang yang paling jelas kelihatan..
ialah sebutir bintang...
yang digelar Polaris...

aku tersenyum sendirian...
sambil menahan..
sayu di hati..

a call from her..

she called me today....
the eye of the jasmine...

i was caught off guard...
i couldnt believe it was her....

should i be happy???
i dont know..
should i be sad???
i dont know..

but i do know it was good to hear her voice...
after such a long time...

how she talked...
god..
how she talked...
as if nothing ever happened between us...
heh...
but then again...
she did said that she never loved me anyway...
its just sympathy...
pure sympathy...

i couldnt even speak properly....
all my voice..
stuck in my throat...

i dont know...
i really dont know....
what she was trying to do...
putting me down on what i am trying to do...
it hurts, u know...
it hurts a lot...
when someone so dear to you...
act as if nothing happened...
not to mention putting u down...

hehe...
whatever...
doesnt matter..
for all the things that she has put me through...

she is still the queen of my heart..

and sometimes...
i just hate myself for feeling that way.....

bloody hell..
giving away your luv...
to someone that never loved u....

that really hurts...
really...
god damned...
hurts...

the eye of the jasmine

eye of the jasmine, the queen of my heart

she messaged me today...
asking how my life is...
how i've been...

the message really surprised me....
i smiled when i saw the whole thing...
the eye of the jasmine...
which used to be mine...
or at least i thought that she was mine..
still is the queen of my heart..

good to know that she still remembers me...

i smiled.....

really smiled...

after a long time....

but i couldnt reply her message..
my fingers wouldnt type out anything...
stuck...
jammed...

heh....
too many things in my mind...
a fistful of emotions...
for the eye of the jasmine...
which in the end...
amounts to silence...

.......how i wished it would not be like this...

guess i'll be drinking tonite...

heh..

aku rindu padamu..

bila sang matahari...
mula melabuhkan diri...
hilanglah suria...
menjelmalah senja...
tanda malam akan tiba...

dalam transisi itu...
tanpa diundang...
tanpa diminta...
kenangan menjengah..
menusuk kalbu..
mengundang senyum...
mengundang duka...
bila teringatkan dirinya...
nun jauh di sana...

AKU RINDU PADAMU!!!

kehadapan diriku yang sepi..

sepi....

shhhhhhh!!!!
JANGAN!!!!
jangan kau bicara tentang sepi...
DIAM!!!
biar diri kau ia selubungi...
RASA...
dapat kah kau rasa???
resah hatimu ketika sepi?
DENGAR!!
dapatkah kau dengar???
jeritan batinmu ketika sepi?
shhhh!!!!....rasa...dengar...
......
membingitkan...
bukan?
SANGAT MEMBINGITKAN!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAARGGGHHHHHH!!!!

nyata
dalam sepi mu itu....
tiada damai...
dalam sepi mu itu...
tiada sunyi...
dalam sepi mu itu....
bingitnya lebih nyaring daripada jeritan suaramu...
maupun jeritan beribu ribu suara!!!!!

just another day

i m spectacularly tired now..
i have not felt tired like this for a long...
long...
time...

but then again....
however busy...
or tired...
i may be....
memories of her still creeps up to the back of my head....

hehe...
some things make me smile..
some things hurt me a lot...
so much so...
that sometimes...
i wish i could just pick n choose...
which memories to keep...
and which to erase...
all at the tip of a button...

unfortunately...
the world does not work that way...
hehe...
even though its killing me inside...
i guess i'll just have to face it...
right??
no use running...
no...
that wont work with me...
cuz i learned earlier on in life...
that running from a problem...
or being dishonest about yourself...
will only bring u more trouble..

heh...
its especially hard to deny something that u feel in your heart...
no matter what u do...
there is no running away from it....
...
she is still the queen of my heart...

so i guess it will be this way for quite some time...
quiet n lonely...
longing for her...
heh...
i m trying my best to take it all in my stride...
but for now...
it seems that the best antidote...
would be a bottle away...

woman....
they can make u...
they can break u...
they can play u...
they can fool u...
they can make u cry...
and yet....
after taking all that...
and then some...

u still luv them with all your heart....

oh well..
i guess its just another day...
in my life...
without her..

aku dan malam

malam....
gelap...
sejuk...
aku takutkan malam sekarang...

malam...
bisa membuatkan aku mengingati dia...
permaisuri hatiku...
yang masih bertakhta di hati ini...

pelik...
mungkin juga bodoh...
mencintai...
dan mengenang...
seseorang yang telah pergi...

entah...
bermacam cara sudah ku pujuk hati ini...
dah ku tangisi pemergian nya...
dah ku cuba mengelaknya...
kadang-kadang...
aku kerja dan berhibur...
semata-mata mau menghilangkan memori tentang dirinya...

habis sudah dayaku...
habis sudah cara...
namun dia masih bertakhta di hati...

kadang...
ingin ku jadi seperti kebanyakan lelaki...
bertukar kekasih...
seolah-olah bertukar baju...
tapi...
bila dipikirkan...
aku tidak akan mampu berbuat begitu...
kerana itu bukan aku!!

mati hidup semula pun....
aku takkan mainkan perasaan orang lain...
biar diri merana..
diselubungi sunyi...
biar hati melara...
sendirian...
daripada mempermainkan perasaan orang lain!!!!

entah...
biar sekuat mana pun aku kerja...
berhibur...
aku pasti mengingati nya...
bila malam tiba!!!!

malam oh malam....
datangmu ditemani seribu kenangan...
kenangan yang menusuk kalbu...
mengundang rindu....

how do u live?

i was at the beach last nite....
star gazing as the skies were clear....
i looked up my favourite star....
the polaris...
i wouldnt knew about it...
if i was not told about it by the queen of my heart...
the polaris....
is the only star....
that stays at its current position...
regardless of whatever angle the earth is spinning at...
funny....
i was told that...
what we shared was like that...
stable....
unmovable..
everlasting...
so tell me....
how would u feel...
if the same person...
the queen of your heart...
told u...
that what u had...
was NOTHING...
that she had no love for u.....
how do u live with words like that.....
how???
dont ask me....
for i am at a loss for words....
come to think of it...
i m at a loss for explanations!
why...
why me??

i dont even know..
whether it was just a lie...
to keep me away from her....
or the truth..
the whole truth...
and nothing but the truth...

i do try to live with it...
u know....
so much so....
that i have resorted to drinking my nights off..
sure...
it offers a little time off from remembering her...
but back on my bed...
on each and every nite...
she would come into my head.....
the other nite...
i was even dreaming about her!!!
it all looked so real...
so real.....
that i felt regret when i woke up....

now...
I m just shrouded by emptiness...
there was this e mail...
which she sent to me in december 2004....
it goes a little like this:

'ada budak tu kan...nakal sangat......nama dia kan....zul....dia selalu kacau kite...tapi kan.....kite sayang sangat kat dia'

this are the very few things...
nowadays...
that make me smile...
whenever i think of it....

so tell me....
how do u live....
when u were told....
by someone very dear to you...
that everything...
every single god damned thing....
was a lie...

tell me please.....
how do u live.....